Give me "The Downward Spiral".

Not knowing exactly what you want to do with your life is a common thing. I'm sure theres some people die not even knowing the answer to that, and at the same time, I'm sure theres people who know exactly what they want from an early age. For me, it's frustrating knowing that I've spend the past 4 or so years trying to work on that, and haven't really been able to do much except tread water. Hopefully that will change when I go to school again next year, but optimism is a rare commodity.

Ok, I don't like to be real emotional on this blog (that usually goes somewhere else) but a cliche applies to my life right now. Sigh. Well, I've never said or felt that I've had a broken heart until very recently. I've always chosen different words or whatever, but sometimes things are so purely decimating, that the cliche is the only thing that will do it justice. It's hard to feel good enough for anything or anyone. There's always someone or something better.

Well, that concludes this. This concludes that. Bye.

Oops, pow, surprise!

Yes, I'm an amateur, because it's been so long since I've updated with anything good in quite a while. (For those of you in the peanut gallery, next time i'll change "quite a while" to "ever".)

So composition has been the main focus in my own obsessive little musical dreamworld. I've been tied to a guitar and/or my composition software by choice for the past little while, trying to dig out songs for another musical project I’ve been working on. The tentative name of the group is "Stokes' Aster". Any good?
Shifting topics quickly: Inspiration really does happen to me, but not in the idealist, romantic sort of way very often. I'd say I’ve only been inspired to create something exactly during a particularly 'special' moment in my life maybe 3 times, and those ideas have yet to come into full bloom. (They will soon however.) I'm much too busy just trying to live and experience the moment.
I don't go and sit in the grass and look at the stars and try to write something, and I don't look at a damn sunset either. I don't have to take some epic journey to write a song called 'Astronaut Food'.
It's funny how this seems to happen to me. I’ll be driving to work at 4am, and I’ll see a sign that says "half off original price" and then the mouse that’s sleeping on the wheel up there will start to run. And yknow, I think I like it that way better, because I don't feel that I should have to put myself in an environment that’s slightly foreign or different than usual to get something original out of myself creatively. Granted, being in a new or foreign environment can be inspirational in and of itself, but that's not exactly what I’m talking about here because I don't/can't write songs as events happen in my life. The challenge is trying to capture it later in a snapshot that makes the memory of what I’m writing about come alive and inhabit a song. It’s like inserting a soul into a robot body or even a human one. (We'll let the guys who write prog-rock have the robot bodies here.)

my hands covered my eyes, its been a long time and though longer times have gone before
its still a trip, and maybe someone will trip over me soon, i need that, need is what you believe
and belief is not needed here, here, the place of the end of your belief, once and for all then i was cast, cast like a broken limb or a tree, for nothing, for free, birds and bees and all the little peoples that scratchout whatever they please in such a world this is possible and to be damned is a pure thing, a real thing a coke or pepsi thing an enjoyment employment thing slang thang get off your high horse thang, a one way trip up to hell because ive been lower, lower than 5 or 6 but not as low as you, with your red eyes, closed eyes, beat eyes, red eyes, staying alive
alive alive in a living breathing dying writhing world.