An old article i wrote.

It comes out of your sink, out of the sky. It's in your bathroom, and covers two-thirds of the earth. Those of you that haven't locked yourself in your bomb shelter armed with your .44 and your unwavering American spirit of shooting things (the same people who have heeded my deceptive description as a warning of the Red Menace), will know that I'm talking about water. Ah, water, our most precious resource. To those of you who say our children are our
most precious resource, I would like to ask: when was the last time children got you clean or refreshed you after a hard day at whatever work you may do poorly? Maybe that's a bad example. Maybe you should shut up, hypothetical asking-people.

The first thing that you might ask yourself when you think about water is, 'How does the water get from the Coca-Cola Corporation to me?" Or perhaps, "How do I know that when I take a shower, I'm not bathing in hot dog water or even AIDS-infected water?" Well, I set upon a great journey to find out the answers to these questions.. and everybody knows that every modern great American journey starts at your local mall!

At the risk of being too broad(GOD DAMMIT THE PACKAGES SAID LOW FAT ON THEM FUCK YOU LITTLE DEBBIE YOU "LITTLE" WHORE) Anyway, at the risk of being too broad, I've narrowed my study down to the common drinking fountain. And, I gave up on all the shit about where water comes from. Instead, im going to try drinking out of several different drinking fountains across my city, starting at the mall, and see what I can find out.


Drinking Fountain #1

Location: In the mall, next to that store where white kids buy black kids clothes

Style: Silver metal.

Taste: See below

General Info: After accidentally swallowing the 40 or so wads of hard chewing gum that was cemented to the spout, I went into convulsions and had to be 'Rushed' to the hospital. Godammit, the medics stopped at Arby's on the way to the hospital, and they didnt even get me some Jalapeno poppers. 29 hours later, I regained consciousness, and 37 hours later, I was able to speak at a 3rd grade level, which, by happenstance, is 2 whole grades higher than before!

Rating: 13


Drinking Fountain #2

Location: Local High School Locker Room

Style: White porcelain. Looked to be made in the early 50s.

Taste: Mountain Dew Code Red. Exact flavor.

General Info: Due to a deal with Pepsi, this local high school's drinking fountains flow military grade MDCR. The effect is similar to crack cocaine, and sends the user into a state where one is unable to sit still in a desk, properly construct sentences, or get a date for the upcoming formal dance.

Rating: 5B, -1



Drinking Fountain #3

Location: City Park

Style: Constructed of some sort of fake stones, or perhaps it was brown Styrofoam.

Taste: Cold and clear as a mountain stream...of piss.

General Info: I went to a governmentally funded area, commonly known as a 'park' for this one. There was a basketball hoop, slides, see-saws, and various other kid-torture devices, all out in the open! I mean, this 'government' must be loaded in order to spend major cash just to plop down some twisted metal, concrete, and a giant mansion of a restroom in the middle of a field! What morons! However, the water was so disgusting I pissed myself.
Twice. I later found out that this 'park' is a haven for homosexuals and bums, and even homosexual bums. From this part of my research, I didn't learn anything about water, just a conspiracy involving bums and the smell of urine. Just think about it...urine flavored/scented water...bums...govt. funding...? I believe we can close the book on that age old question.

Rating: G


I decided that three drinking fountains were enough. The waters from these dispensers have sapped my strength and my will to live. It hasn't, however, taken away my love for that show Trading Spaces! I love that show when they change peoples houses and people get pissed at each other, but can't show it cause they're not on the Fox network.

If your motto is 'if you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you!' you are my home state! Yes, Michigan! The epicenter of the Great Lakes region! If your asking "Well, what does this have to do with water, Randy? The answer is complex, and would take another 1500 words to describe. I learned it from my neighbor, who works down at the sewage plant. I've been listening through my apartment wall to his beer-fueled complaining about his job, and using the information I've gained over the past few weeks (and before beer #5) to piece it together. Here goes: Well, the water that you and I drink and use every day is the EXACT SAME water that is in our lakes, rivers and oceans! Isn't modern science and technology great?! I think we've made quantum leaps in lots of fields such as this one, but perhaps that's a topic for another article. I love Scott Bakula.

Now that the word is out on the whole "where water comes from" issue, I can begin lobbying the state legislature to set up a couple hundred thousand sniper towers and nests to guard the Great Lakes from out-of staters who want to steal all our damn water. C'MON IOWA, I'd like to see you try it! HOW MANY GREAT LAKES DOES YOUR STATE HAVE? Now about those Canadians. Some would say that they have claim to part of our Great Lakes, but some of those
people are in jars in my basement, and other parts of those people are en route to their families across the country.